I spent a lot of time on this post. If you see this and you know me, knew me, or wanted to know me, please take the time to read it.
I’m sure I’ll come back to this platform someday, but that day just isn’t today. Here are my thoughts on this application and my crippling, yet empowering experience here over time:
Tumblr has given me a lot to think over this half-decade, since I first started in 2011. Although I wasn’t one of the very first blogs, I still recall the early, almost ancient days of Tumblr and remember its progression. Within the first couple months of my experience, I met some people who would impact me forever. For example, I remember talking to the marvelous bulimickittens, Olivia Penpraze. We chatted for just a month and in the dead of night, she took her own life.
I was devastated. Something like that was very hard on me as a 14 year old kid dealing with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder but not knowing what to call them. I had never been exposed to suicide, death, or loss of a friend. It made me realize the darkness in the world.
My first URL was “justinisdepressed”, and when my mother found that URL, scolded me, and went just a bit psycho on me, I changed it to several other things over the remainder of the blog’s existence. Self-abolishment (you can still find this one), the-wonders-of-neverland, anorexiquee, and lost-boys-of-neverland were just a few of the many URLs I hoarded. I think most of them are taken by other people now. I then became an art/landscape blog, animate-yourself, arcanize, baltimore-and-me. Then, I was a humor blog that mocked my own sexuality, homojpeg and thehomodaily.
Early Tumblr was a nightmare for me. At the time, I thought I fit in, but looking back on it, I realize that nearly every blog glorified and glamorized eating disorders and suicide. I know that a lot of sad teens just wanted to vent and they felt this was the only place to do it, but the community mid-2011 to mid-2013 fed off of each other, subliminally urging each other to “end the pain” and such. Maybe others don’t or didn’t feel this way, but that’s the experience I was shown and I think it did more bad for me than good. I truly thought suicide and depression were beautiful, and they were the flowers inside the monsters.
I remember having a daily counter on my sidebar. A javascript code that counted the days from a certain date. I used it to represent how many days I had gone without cutting myself. I remember celebrating if it ever reached 10, but that was only a few times. I remember talking people out of suicide every night, and a few people had to do the same for me. I made one of the best friends I have ever had in my life at the time. We don’t talk anymore, which is a good thing, but I am glad she’s okay and I hope she’s glad that I am, too.
At first, in those dark days, this website made me feel really awful about myself. Other incredibly attractive people called themselves ugly? Wow, I must be hideous. Other LGBT people saying they deserve to die? Jeez, I didn’t know I belonged there. Other people with a bad home life saying they belonged in the ground? Golly, I guess I do too, then…
High school was truly awful. I was bullied every single day of my life and even surrounded myself by “friends” who treated me quite horribly. This wasn’t everyone, but I found myself trying to win the attention of girls who called me faggot and lardass. Tumblr was the only place I felt I could talk openly about my awful experiences and not be laughed at for them, and for that, I was and still am grateful. Furthermore, my home life was also garbage. My mom in my later teenage years had a lot of arguments triggered by her anxiety from having an awful husband. Now, my mother is my best friend and my dad isn’t so bad anymore.
I do still feel bad sometimes today. I’ve been okay with my weight for a couple years now, but I can really start to feel those awful thoughts of anorexia coming back. Hopefully, with power, I can overcome it, but I don’t know. I know that I will NEVER put a razor on my legs or wrists ever again. I also know that I will never even mutter a thought of suicide for as long as I’m in this life, God willing. Those things do not affect me anymore and they are in the past. I just have to get past this anorexia.
Nonetheless, I am still thankful for a lot of the friends I made on this website. I was comforted by many people and met a lot of humans that changed my life for the better. On the other hand, I know that not all of the people who supported me over the years are still alive today, and if that doesn’t break a heart then I don’t know what would.
This website helped me come to terms with my sexuality. When I was not out to really anyone, I would post really subliminal remarks occasionally to anons or text posts. One day, a flood of “Wait, are you gay?!” came through to my inbox. I ignored them all. This caused anger in a lot of my followers and a lot of them continued to message me and I eventually admitted it. I had never felt so free and I never turned back around. I am totally out and I don’t let it faze me anymore. If someone doesn’t like it, the door is over there.
I thank God and my lucky stars above the clouds every day for the opportunity to live. A few years back, four of five, I just knew I wasn’t going to be alive much longer, and every day I was making myself throw up the pure nothingness that was in my stomach, thinking about whether or not I was going to write a note and what I would say if I did. I wondered if the principal would cry when he read it over the intercom at my school. I wondered if people would form a prayer circle. I wondered if it would trigger someone else’s suicide. I wondered if my family would be in shock. I wondered if my kid brother (who is now 12) would even realize I was gone. Side note, in my brother’s youth, he didn’t acknowledge me much. Today, he’s one of the only people I can talk to (even though he tunes me out sometimes!).
Today, I am sitting in the home that I have so many awful memories in–memories of my father, my blood on the walls, the scale in the bathroom, the mirrors I cried into, mom’s long-sleeved jackets I would wear to cover up my scars, the same bedroom I almost died in… I am sitting here, totally healthy, waiting to go back to my university to challenge myself to make all A’s because I know I can do it. I am waiting to see some of my friends. I am waiting to meet new people from around the world and push myself until I am successful. If you had asked me a while back if I would ever make it here, I would say absolutely not! Are you crazy? Ridiculous!..and here I am.
I don’t know if this site is popular among young teens anymore, but this message could apply to anyone. Life truly does look up. I know it may feel like life just couldn’t get any worse, and then something happens that makes it worse. And that sucks. I know it does. But you have got to hold on because I am living proof that brighter days DO come. No matter your issue, whether you’re being bullied, your parents beat you, you’re having trouble accepting your sexuality or gender identity, you feel fat and gross and feel like the only way to solve it is by starving yourself, you’ve recently lost someone very important to you, or anything else that makes you feel bad about yourself, I cannot stress it enough to you that everything is going to be alright in the long run. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem, as cliche as that phrase is. Turn up the music, go stand outside in the rain, cry about it, pray if you’re that type, and tell someone you love them. Take a minute and do what makes you happy. Never look back. You are so loved. If not by someone else, you are loved by ME.
That concludes this letter. Oh, one last thing. IT DOES GET BETTER!
P.S.: I want to stay in touch with my followers. I’m surprised that so many of you have kept up with me for this long. It really baffles me. My snapchat is jayholt7 and my instagram is jsuitn. Please let me know you’re from Tumblr and I’d be more than happy to get to know you; in fact, it would be MY pleasure.
